Self-Compassion and a Year of Pandemic Living
We are so quick to offer reassurance, encouragement and comfort to our loved ones. Applying that same care and compassion to ourselves can be a more difficult shift to make.
As we move toward the one year anniversary of the start of the pandemic many are being reminded of what was interrupted and lost. Children are being reminded of canceled birthday parties, abrupt endings and fears of a looming virus. You too?
And given that the pandemic continues, many of us are experiencing a second round of birthdays and holidays without those people, places and rituals we were accustomed to. Adding in various forms of social distancing and the losses of loved ones leaves most people with a very narrow window of stress tolerance. We are tired and weary.
There are so many things that are simultaneously hard, out of our control and unresolved. And yet I notice many of the parents I work with holding themselves to old expectations about what they “should” be able to handle and how they “should” feel. That inner voice can be so harsh and unforgiving. Hearing the suffering in the voices of those I work with through coaching and therapy has drawn me back to the tenets and practices of self-compassion again and again.
What is Self Compassion?
Consider the last time a loved one went through something difficult.
How did you speak to them?
What acts of care and compassion did you offer?
Now think of the way you respond to your own struggles.
What do you hear that inner voice saying?
Is the grace and compassion flowing just as freely as when you comforted your friend? That is the idea behind self-compassion.
We are so quick to offer reassurance, encouragement and comfort to our loved ones. Applying that same care and compassion to ourselves can be a more difficult shift to make.
Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer describe it this way: “Self-compassion involves treating yourself the way you would treat a friend who is having a hard time—even if your friend blew it or is feeling inadequate, or is just facing a tough life challenge. The more complete definition involves three core elements that we bring to bear when we are in pain: self-kindness, common humanity (the recognition that everyone make mistakes and feels pain), and mindfulness.”
I can’t think of any experience that brings home the concept of “common humanity” than a global pandemic. Can you? While there are profound disparities in who has been most impacted by this virus and the changes within our communities, everyone has had to make significant adjustments to how they live, work and learn. Struggle and suffering have taken new depths this past year. It seems like the perfect time to interrupt the inner critic and adopt a posture of kindness and acceptance toward yourself.
Pandemics aside, self-compassion has many benefits that will serve you well in the future. Research has found that practicing self compassion can turn down your stress response system, leading to less anxiety and depression, greater well being and resilience in the face of failure (Emma Seppala PhD, The Scientific Benefits of Self-Compassion).
How Can You Begin to Practice Self Compassion?
Kristin Neff offers a number of activities and practices you can explore on her website self-compassion.org. I am sharing two of her activities here that I have found to be especially helpful for myself and others who may be new to exploring self compassion. Click on the heading to find them on her site.
Supportive Touch
Self compassion can be as simple as offering yourself supportive touch in a moment of upset or difficulty. While hugs and snuggles with our loved ones help promote the feel good hormone, oxytocin, so does a gentle touch of our own hands. Offering yourself nurturing touch may feel awkward at first but like all things, practice Place your hand over your heart or if you are able, place one over your belly and the other over your heart and take a few mindful breaths. You can practice this daily during stressful times and see what you notice.
Self Compassion Break
Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.
Now, say to yourself:
1. This is a moment of suffering
That’s mindfulness. Other options include:
This hurts.
Ouch.
This is stress.
2. Suffering is a part of life
That’s common humanity. Other options include:
Other people feel this way.
I’m not alone.
We all struggle in our lives.
Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.
Say to yourself:
3. May I be kind to myself
You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:
May I give myself the compassion that I need
May I learn to accept myself as I am
May I forgive myself
May I be strong.
May I be patient
This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.
I hope these practices and ideas inspire and encourage you. If you feel like your family could use more support in recovering from the stress of this year or other changes, click here to learn more about my approach to Family Therapy.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides relationship-focused therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering parent coaching, child counseling or family therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.
5 Ways to Foster a Growth Mindset in Kids
Growth mindset can help buffer children from the effects of hardships and failures. It is a wonderful perspective to have for anyone!
Do you have a child who is especially hard on themselves, avoids taking risks or expects perfection in all things?
Or maybe you have noticed that virtual learning has turned your child off to learning in general?
How do you help them change course and rediscover a love for learning?
Helping your children (and yourself) shift their thinking and actions toward a growth mindset is one way to promote persistence, healthy risk taking and a lifelong love for learning.
What is the growth mindset? Growth mindset is a term coined by Carol Dweck, a psychologist who studies human motivation. She describes two mindsets, one fixed and one growth. The growth mindset is defined as one where effort and process are valued over innate talents and giftedness, and mistakes and failures are seen as our best opportunities for learning and growth. In her book Mindset, she states “There’s another mindset in which these traits are not simply a hand you’re dealt and have to live with, always trying to convince yourself and others that you have a royal flush when you’re secretly worried it’s a pair of tens. In this mindset, the hand you’re dealt is just the starting point for development. This growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts.”
Growth mindset can help buffer children from the effects of hardships and failures. It is a wonderful perspective to have for anyone! In reality we all have a combination of growth and fixed mindsets about different areas of our lives but the practice of leaning into a growth mindset with our children can help them strengthen this way of thinking for themselves. So how do you begin? Below are a few ideas and resources to get you started.
5 Strategies for Fostering a Growth Mindset
Model a healthy approach to mistakes
Your kids are always watching you, right? This can feel like a lot of pressure at times but really it isn’t about getting it perfect but about being mindful of how you talk to yourself and how you approach your own challenges and mistakes.
Talking about your own process as you consider a new opportunity or challenge can give you the opportunity to model courage, vulnerability and your own growth mindset.
Phrases like: “This is hard,” “This feels like a growth opportunity for me,” “I need some help finding a new way to do this,” “I am looking forward to a challenge but am feeling nervous too” and “I need more practice” can all be starting places. AND those times you inadvertently say something disparaging about yourself out loud will serve as opportunities for modeling repair. Your own version of “Oops! Let me try that again”…
Leave room for struggle
This one is for even the parents of babies and very young children. One way you can foster a growth mindset from the beginning is by giving your child body autonomy and being a confident encourager as they learn new things including rolling over, walking and how to negotiate conflict with other little ones. We live in a culture that often judges us based on our children’s behavior and where, as a result, many parents swoop in to intervene quickly, so this can feel risky to practice in public but you can start at home. Allow your little one to persist as he attempts to stand or roll over. Allow your daughter to fumble as she explores a new toy or object. When we allow for exploration and mistakes we are fostering confidence and autonomy. It also helps build “muscles” for larger struggles as they grow.
Share the power of YET
“I can’t”
“I am terrible at this!”
“I don’t know how to ______.”
Coaching your child to add the word “yet” to the end of these sentences can make a powerful point. There is a big difference between “I can’t do it.” and “I can’t do it yet.”
Recognize effort and process over talent
Taking the focus off of intelligence and talent as the determinants of achievement can go a long way toward lowering stress and encouraging risk taking. We also live in a culture that frames success around talents and giftedness so this one will require some practice and even coaching of invested family members. Practice offering acknowledgement that is specific and focused on your child’s efforts and process:
“I see how persistent you are being!”
“This may take more practice.”
“I see how you found a new way to _______.”
“You worked so hard!”
“I noticed you were having a hard time getting started and I love how you solved that problem.”
“Let’s think of some other strategies you could try.”
Talk about the human brain, their brain
Helping your child learn about their brain is one of the best strategies I know for reducing shame and increasing self-compassion. This is especially important for children who have sensitivities, learning differences, sensory needs and other differences that may contribute to feelings of “not getting it right.” In that case it can be helpful to talk to them about their unique brain and how it learns best and feels safest.
Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson have written a series of books for parents about parenting with brain science in mind. Dan Siegel’s hand model of the brain is a quick, portable way to explain the brain and what happens when we are stressed. The Fantastic Elastic Brain book also elaborates on the human brain and what happens when we try new things (see below). AND because I love children’s books for sharing new concepts and language with kids:
Here are Three of My Most Recommended Books:
(These are not affiliate links)
Bubble Gum Brain: Ready, Set, GROW!
“Meet Bubble Gum Brain and Brick Brain: two kids with two VERY different mindsets. Bubble Gum Brain likes to have fun adventures, learn new things, and doesn’t worry about making great mistakes. Brick Brain is convinced that things are just fine the way they are and there’s not much he can do to change them, so why try?
When Bubble Gum Brain shows Brick Brain how to peel off his wrapper, Brick Brain begins to realize just how much more fun school…and life… can be!
This creative story teaches children (and adults) the valuable lesson that “becoming is better than being,” which can open the door to a whole new world of possibilities!”
From the publisher: “Beautiful Oops! is a one-of-a-kind bestseller that started a movement: It’s OK to make a mistake! Along with his recent follow-up, My Book of Beautiful Oops! (a fill-in artist’s journal), Barney Saltzberg’s books show young readers how every mistake is an opportunity to make something beautiful. Chock full of imagination, creativity, and paper engineering, Beautiful Oops! and My Book of Beautiful Oops!are filled with pop-ups, lift-the-flaps, tears, holes, overlaps, and smudges—each demonstrating the magical transformation from blunder to wonder.”
“Did you know you can stretch and grow your own brain? Or that making mistakes is one of the best ways your brain learns? Just like how lifting weights helps your muscles get stronger, trying new things without giving up like finding the courage to put your face in the water the first time you're at a pool strengthens your brain. Next time, your brain will remind you that you overcame that fear, and you will be braver!”
And a new favorite!
One More Media Resource:
Big Life for Kids is all about fostering a growth mindset and healthy social-emotional development in kids! They have a podcast for kids, journals of course, and if you sign up for their mailing list they will send you free printables each week! So much good stuff.
If your child is struggling with anxiety or perfectionism, check out my Child Therapy page for more about my approach to therapy with children.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides relationship-focused therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering parent coaching, child counseling or family therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.
Supporting Young Children Through Change
Helping young children adjust to a new caregiver, child care or school setting takes time and attention under the best of circumstances. After nearly a year of pandemic living, it will likely require even more.
Helping young children adjust to a new caregiver, child care or school setting takes time under the best of circumstances. Helping a child who has experienced separation, loss or otherwise has a vulnerable nervous system, usually requires even more planning and attention from us.
Babies and young children who have these early experiences or vulnerabilities are often sensitive to the subtle changes in our moods, routines and rhythms. Helping them prepare for a more significant change (even a wonderful one!) can bring on stress and anxiety for us as the caregivers. Professionals in our lives may offer well intended suggestions that fail to honor the sensitivity of our child and our own intuition about what is needed. I am here to encourage you! Young children who have early stressors and losses can adjust changes in caregivers and you can do this! As they grow and your relationships with one another evolve, it will likely get easier and more predictable. Our little ones can grow in their sense of security in us as we grow in our confidence and security in ourselves.
Here are some of the strategies that I have found most helpful.
8 strategies to help you help them:
Check your mask. Your oxygen mask, that is!
As I mentioned above, change is hard, especially these days. You are not alone in having to make decisions for yourself, your child and your family where there might not be a “right” answer. Juggling financial, educational and social needs for a family involves weighing risks, benefits and necessities. Being the maker of decisions involves extra labor and weight. And you may benefit from having someone or a number of “someones” to help you hold that weight. That may be a combination of your partner, family, trusted friend, leader in your faith community, counselor, coach and/or mentor. Our circles are strained and smaller these days. Consider who and what you are missing and reach out when needed. Your children will benefit from having parents who are regulated, confident and hopeful in helping them navigate change.
Give your children advanced notice of changes
It can be tempting to wait until right before a change to start talking about it with your kids, especially young children. This could mean fewer days of tears and clinging. Yet, that time and the conversations (and possible tears accompanying them) are needed for children to prepare themselves for something new. This preparation gives them time to marshal the internal resources to cope. It also helps protect your relationship - their trust in you. In a world of the unexpected, you are their secure base and safe haven.
Answer their questions
Preparation can make a big difference in how we all adjust to change. Talking through and even drawing through the changes can allow children to rehearse their new routine and how they will handle the changes. Make visits to the new home/school/center. Drive by. Talk about what your new routine will be like. With less vocal children, you might need to anticipate questions. Books can be a wonderful way to reassure them and answer their questions. See below for a few of my favorites.
Acknowledge and validate feelings
Some worry is really quite normal. In fact we all have a brain that is constantly scanning for threat. A little bit of worry in anticipation of separation is a sign their brain is doing its job: working to protect them from potential danger. From an evolutionary perspective little ones are inherently safer being close to their parents. This bit of information can be reassuring to you and your child.
Sometimes as parents we want to shield our children or ourselves from the emotions around change. Our decisions can bring up guilt or sadness about a phase of parenting that is ending before we are ready. This can make it more difficult for us to hold our children’s big feelings. Yet, it is important to acknowledge feelings. Theirs and yours. As Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson say, “Name it to tame it.” Acknowledging and naming feelings helps children understand themselves and build new skills. You can also validate feelings without agreeing with them.
And going back to trust, this helps them trust you as someone who sees them and really gets them.
When you label your own feelings (in an age appropriate way and with the assurance that you are taking care of yourself) it helps them understand what they see and feel going on without taking on added weight or worry.
Stick to a routine - keep the things that aren’t changing the same
As you know, children thrive on routine and predictability. Predictability can help your child weather changes big and small. Keeping your morning and evening routines the same as you prepare for and adjust to change is very helpful. It might also be helpful to delay the start of other activities until there has been some time to adjust to the new caregiver or setting.
Offer comfort and transitional items
Times of stress and transition are not the time for ditching blankies or bubbies. If your child already has a comfort object, make sure it can be accessible to your child during the early days of their transition. If your child doesn’t have a comfort object you can offer something of yours or a photo of your family to be tucked into their backpack or pocket for the day.
Say good-bye
It can be so tempting to back out of a room when your child appears calm and engaged in an activity with someone else. Holding your relationship at the center of your decisions can help center you. Disappearing acts build insecurity, the opposite of what you are looking for in the long run. Create a brief and consistent good-bye ritual. If your little one has a primary caregiver, help your child build a connection with that person by engaging them in conversation and including them in your good-bye. When my daughter was feeling nervous at preschool or kindergarten, I found that helping her make a warm connection (eye contact, high five, smile) with a friend or friendly adult often helped send just the right signals of safety to her brain to turn down the “alarm center” and wake up the playful and ready for learning “social engagement system” within a few minutes.
Create rituals for reconnecting
Make sure to have time when you come back together to listen, play and connect. Lots of adults need a few minutes to decompress when returning home from a day of work or school. After greeting your child with delight, give yourself that time AND then make sure you also have time for play and connection before heading into the bedtime routine. This could be as you prepare dinner, have some outside playtime, play some connecting games, or build in some more time for touch and connection during their bath and bedtime.
Books and stories are some of my favorite ways to talk about difficult subjects, teach something new or prepare for change. Sometimes custom “books” using photos or simple clip art can help a child rehearse and process a new routine or arrangement, better than a more generic book. Back in the day I often made them with copy paper and a sharpie… They weren’t very pretty but they served to help children cope with stress and change. And they could refer back to them when needed. Fortunately, there is tremendous variety these days in children’s books and media around topics supporting social-emotional health. I am including a few that are new and old favorites of mine.
A few children’s books about separation & change:
The links included are to the publisher, author or another source of additional information. There are no affiliate links.
Owl Babies by Martin Waddell (2017) - A sweet story about a trio of owls and their mother that reinforces the message that mommy (or daddy or ________) always comes back! The text of this book can be changed to include daddy, grandma, big sister or anyone who may be in a caregiving role with a toddler or young child. This was a favorite for my little one and she loved modifying the adult owl character to be whomever she was missing at the time.
In My Heart by Mackenzie Porter (2020) - I found this sweet book at my local Target. I wish it had been published a few years ago when my daughter was spending more time away from me and preparing to start preschool. In it a mother and child are shown going through their day from waking in the morning to reunion at child care, bath time and bed at home. And in the middle the mother describes all the times throughout her day that she is reminded of her little one.
“Though we’re not together, we’re never truly apart because you’re always on my mind and you’re always in my heart.”
“Lunchtime brings a smile because it’s joy that I feel when I realize we are eating the very same meal.”
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst (2000, 2008) - This popular book offers imagery and metaphor that can be helpful with separations short and long, including losses. In it the mother also reassures her children that their connection can’t be broken by distance, anger, behavior or death. The author has subsequently written a workbook of activities to accompany The Invisible String as well as a book specific to pet loss, The Invisible Leash.
The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn (1993) - The Kissing Hand has been helping children adjust to preschool and Kindergarten for nearly 28 years! I recall recommending it to many parents and teachers as a young therapist and eventually gifting it to my step-daughter for her 5th birthday as she prepared to enter Kindergarten. The story of Chester and his worries about leaving his mom to attend night school for the first time is one so many can relate to. And the practice of the kissing hand, offering a kiss to be an invisible reminder of a parent or caregiver, is one we can replicate and repeat for our children in playful ways today.
For children who have experienced early adversity including unexpected separations (even at birth) and losses, transitions can bring up strong emotions and fears. If your child is taking much longer to adjust, struggling with challenging behaviors at child care/school or even refusing to go, coaching and/or child counseling can help. Together we can identify and address the root of their worries, support you as their secure base and help them build confidence and skills for navigating change.
Click the link to learn more about my approach to Child Counseling
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides relationship-focused therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering parent coaching, child counseling or family therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.
Finding Light in the Dark Days of Winter
This year it feels like a swirl of anxiety and dread is heaped on top of the high expectations our children are holding for the coming weeks. And maybe their expectations are extra big this year too…
So what is the best way to bring light to the darkest days of the year, during an especially dark year?
The news has been filled with predictions of this coming winter being the darkest any of us has ever experienced. That news can feel unbearable after three seasons of a pandemic and all of its related consequences.
And for those of us parenting young children it can add to the weight we are feeling around the approach of holidays and a season which is often a mix of wonder and darkness. This year it feels like a swirl of anxiety and dread is heaped on top of the high expectations our children are holding for the coming weeks. And maybe their expectations are extra big this year too…
So what is the best way to bring light to the darkest days of the year, during an especially dark year? Connection, play and fun!
Dr. Stuart Brown, defines PLAY as: “an absorbing, apparently purposeless activity that provides enjoyment and a suspension of self-consciousness and sense of time.”
Brene Brown recently shared on her Unlocking Us podcast how time spent playing can generate new energy. She went on to share how her family had revolutionized their free time by focusing on play. Each family member listed out what they thought of as play using Dr. Brown’s definition as a guide. They then identified the activities they all had in common and centered their free time and vacations around only those things.
Children feel safe, seen and loved when we play with them. Having a strong, supportive family buffers them from stress and adversity, or which we have plenty. And playful connection refuels us all to better handle whatever is coming next!
And because it is a season of anticipation, holidays and rituals, all of which are being interrupted by a pandemic, it is a great time to create a family challenge or new routine. You can count down the days until the new year, begin on the winter solstice or maybe set a connection and play goal for 2021!
Here is our “play list”:
Watch a winter or holiday movie
Bake cookies
Make a gingerbread house
Hug
Butterfly kisses
Go on a family hike/try geocaching
Play the “Blow me over” game
Airplane game or airplane pose
Build a story game
Decorate the tree
EAT the cookies!
Draw together
Play a game
Read a special book
Play Jenga
Freeze dance game
Do yoga together
Snuggle
Build a snowman
Learn to ice skate
Sleep in/read in bed in the morning
Go on a hike and feed the chickadees
Deliver cookies to neighbors and friends
Make a winter playlist of favorite songs
Wrap presents together
Make a fort inside
………
What would your family’s list include?
Here are some more ideas for adding connection, play and fun to your short days and long nights.
Get outside together
1000 Hours Outside created this inspiring Outdoor Advent Calendar.
Listen together
If stories and crafts are more your jam (mine too!) then you might want to acquaint yourself with Sparkle Stories and their collection of holiday activities, stories and crafts.
Read together
More books? Here Wee Read created a fun and inclusive reading challenge called the Mocha Express.
Click here to learn more about my approach to Family Therapy.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan. Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.