Do you have a child who is especially hard on themselves, avoids taking risks or expects perfection in all things?
Or maybe you have noticed that virtual learning has turned your child off to learning in general?
How do you help them change course and rediscover a love for learning?
Helping your children (and yourself) shift their thinking and actions toward a growth mindset is one way to promote persistence, healthy risk taking and a lifelong love for learning.
What is the growth mindset? Growth mindset is a term coined by Carol Dweck, a psychologist who studies human motivation. She describes two mindsets, one fixed and one growth. The growth mindset is defined as one where effort and process are valued over innate talents and giftedness, and mistakes and failures are seen as our best opportunities for learning and growth. In her book Mindset, she states “There’s another mindset in which these traits are not simply a hand you’re dealt and have to live with, always trying to convince yourself and others that you have a royal flush when you’re secretly worried it’s a pair of tens. In this mindset, the hand you’re dealt is just the starting point for development. This growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts.”
Growth mindset can help buffer children from the effects of hardships and failures. It is a wonderful perspective to have for anyone! In reality we all have a combination of growth and fixed mindsets about different areas of our lives but the practice of leaning into a growth mindset with our children can help them strengthen this way of thinking for themselves. So how do you begin? Below are a few ideas and resources to get you started.
5 Strategies for Fostering a Growth Mindset
Model a healthy approach to mistakes
Your kids are always watching you, right? This can feel like a lot of pressure at times but really it isn’t about getting it perfect but about being mindful of how you talk to yourself and how you approach your own challenges and mistakes.
Talking about your own process as you consider a new opportunity or challenge can give you the opportunity to model courage, vulnerability and your own growth mindset.
Phrases like: “This is hard,” “This feels like a growth opportunity for me,” “I need some help finding a new way to do this,” “I am looking forward to a challenge but am feeling nervous too” and “I need more practice” can all be starting places. AND those times you inadvertently say something disparaging about yourself out loud will serve as opportunities for modeling repair. Your own version of “Oops! Let me try that again”…
Leave room for struggle
This one is for even the parents of babies and very young children. One way you can foster a growth mindset from the beginning is by giving your child body autonomy and being a confident encourager as they learn new things including rolling over, walking and how to negotiate conflict with other little ones. We live in a culture that often judges us based on our children’s behavior and where, as a result, many parents swoop in to intervene quickly, so this can feel risky to practice in public but you can start at home. Allow your little one to persist as he attempts to stand or roll over. Allow your daughter to fumble as she explores a new toy or object. When we allow for exploration and mistakes we are fostering confidence and autonomy. It also helps build “muscles” for larger struggles as they grow.
Share the power of YET
“I can’t”
“I am terrible at this!”
“I don’t know how to ______.”
Coaching your child to add the word “yet” to the end of these sentences can make a powerful point. There is a big difference between “I can’t do it.” and “I can’t do it yet.”
Recognize effort and process over talent
Taking the focus off of intelligence and talent as the determinants of achievement can go a long way toward lowering stress and encouraging risk taking. We also live in a culture that frames success around talents and giftedness so this one will require some practice and even coaching of invested family members. Practice offering acknowledgement that is specific and focused on your child’s efforts and process:
“I see how persistent you are being!”
“This may take more practice.”
“I see how you found a new way to _______.”
“You worked so hard!”
“I noticed you were having a hard time getting started and I love how you solved that problem.”
“Let’s think of some other strategies you could try.”
Talk about the human brain, their brain
Helping your child learn about their brain is one of the best strategies I know for reducing shame and increasing self-compassion. This is especially important for children who have sensitivities, learning differences, sensory needs and other differences that may contribute to feelings of “not getting it right.” In that case it can be helpful to talk to them about their unique brain and how it learns best and feels safest.
Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson have written a series of books for parents about parenting with brain science in mind. Dan Siegel’s hand model of the brain is a quick, portable way to explain the brain and what happens when we are stressed. The Fantastic Elastic Brain book also elaborates on the human brain and what happens when we try new things (see below). AND because I love children’s books for sharing new concepts and language with kids:
Here are Three of My Most Recommended Books:
(These are not affiliate links)
Bubble Gum Brain: Ready, Set, GROW!
“Meet Bubble Gum Brain and Brick Brain: two kids with two VERY different mindsets. Bubble Gum Brain likes to have fun adventures, learn new things, and doesn’t worry about making great mistakes. Brick Brain is convinced that things are just fine the way they are and there’s not much he can do to change them, so why try?
When Bubble Gum Brain shows Brick Brain how to peel off his wrapper, Brick Brain begins to realize just how much more fun school…and life… can be!
This creative story teaches children (and adults) the valuable lesson that “becoming is better than being,” which can open the door to a whole new world of possibilities!”
From the publisher: “Beautiful Oops! is a one-of-a-kind bestseller that started a movement: It’s OK to make a mistake! Along with his recent follow-up, My Book of Beautiful Oops! (a fill-in artist’s journal), Barney Saltzberg’s books show young readers how every mistake is an opportunity to make something beautiful. Chock full of imagination, creativity, and paper engineering, Beautiful Oops! and My Book of Beautiful Oops!are filled with pop-ups, lift-the-flaps, tears, holes, overlaps, and smudges—each demonstrating the magical transformation from blunder to wonder.”
“Did you know you can stretch and grow your own brain? Or that making mistakes is one of the best ways your brain learns? Just like how lifting weights helps your muscles get stronger, trying new things without giving up like finding the courage to put your face in the water the first time you're at a pool strengthens your brain. Next time, your brain will remind you that you overcame that fear, and you will be braver!”
And a new favorite!
One More Media Resource:
Big Life for Kids is all about fostering a growth mindset and healthy social-emotional development in kids! They have a podcast for kids, journals of course, and if you sign up for their mailing list they will send you free printables each week! So much good stuff.
If your child is struggling with anxiety or perfectionism, check out my Child Therapy page for more about my approach to therapy with children.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides relationship-focused therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering parent coaching, child counseling or family therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.