Lessons from My Parenting Journey

I came to parenting later than most, first through marriage and then adoption. And even with all of my education and years supporting other parents and families I wasn't prepared for how my world would be turned upside down by this new experience including my health, my relationships and my self-confidence.  So, in addition to lots of professional experience and education, I now have my own catalog of observations, challenges, mistakes, and lessons learned.  Eventually I began to find my footing and my community. I also started a healing journey to reclaim and reshape my health, how I took care of myself and those I love most.

It also deepened my resolve to approach my work with a holistic lens and, among other things, led me to study holistic nutrition through the Institute for Integrative Nutrition for a year.

Among the many lessons I learned (or relearned) as a new parent were:

• This is a soul stretching journey for which we need layers of support! And yet we live in a culture that often leaves new parents, whether by birth or adoption, isolated.

• Babies are a-w-e-some and are often our best teachers. They are exquisitely aware, conscious and present from the beginning in ways we can't perceive until we are intimately involved in their care and we have the luxury of s-l-o-w-i-n-g down. (Babies kind of demand it, if we are understanding their language.)

• Our early experiences and first relationships from childhood are the foundation for our ability to navigate our most important relationships as adults and oftentimes healing is needed, again and again.

• We need nourishing food, some uninterrupted sleep, time with our partner and time alone in order to meet our baby or child(ren)'s needs for connection, comfort and nourishment.

• Our physical health and mental well-being are intricately tied, as they are for our children.

• All behavior has meaning. Theirs and ours.

• Gentleness is called for.

• Waiting and watching creates space for them to develop strength, persistence, confidence and agency. It also gives us space to see our little ones more clearly.

So, whether you are just considering parenthood, are newly embarking on this intense and beautiful journey, or are at a fork in the path and looking for support to find your own inner compass (again), I am here for you.

Click to read more about my approach to Parent Coaching

Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan. Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. "

Bagwhan Shree Rajneesh

Photo by JW Photography

The "RESPECT" in Respectful Parenting

I wanted to talk with you about a topic that's been on my mind, in my conversations and in the social media posts I've been reading lately, even more so during this season of holidays when we're spending time with extended family including grandparents, great grandparents, aunts and uncles.

A word that comes up often in and around parenting is one that has become really loaded: it is the word RESPECT.

I use it to talk about parenting practices (as in respectful parenting) for lack of a better word. I often hesitate to use it because of how loaded of a term it has been. In my childhood, I often heard that it was essential for me to show respect to my parents and that meant speaking and behaving calmly no matter what… No matter how I was treated, what was happening in that moment or how I was feeling inside. I had to be perceived as being respectful in all moments. I bet this might resonate for some of you?

So, that word, RESPECT, is my topic for today. And if you're wondering if this is relevant to you and if you should continue reading? My thoughts around “respect” are relevant to those with newborns, all the way up to adult children.

I'm going to start with a story of how this came to my mind. Like many of you, I traveled before Thanksgiving. My daughter and I went to visit some of my family. And it was a trip that didn't go totally as planned. My daughter ended up being sick for a good deal the trip. For a portion of the time we were staying with one of my sisters and my other sister had come to visit for dinner, and there had just been a lot going on so our time together was much shorter than any of us would have liked. And then it came time to say goodbye to one sister as we would be leaving the next day. As I was supporting my daughter in saying goodbye to her cousin and her aunt I said to her, “would you like to give him a high five or a handshake, how would you like to say goodbye.” I really don't remember what she chose, or if she chose either of those things. Then it was time to say goodbye to my sister and my sister said to my daughter, “Okay, since your mom gave you a choice. I'm going to give you a choice. Would you like to give me a high five or a hug.”

I was just so touched. You know, going into the holidays we can have a lot of worry about family visits. I didn't have a lot of worry about how it would go for us with this part of my family actually. I was just filled with anticipation, about the trip and really looking forward to it but I know that's not always true. It can be challenging when visiting different parts of our families and friend groups, worrying about how they might perceive our parenting or perceive our children. And so I was really touched that she had been paying attention, and that she wanted to do something that would feel respectful.

There's that word…

And so I've been thinking about that a lot. My coach, Lisa McCrohan, (yes, therapists and coaches have therapists and coaches too) uses the word REGARD and she uses it a lot. She likes to use it in favor of the word respect and so I was curious about that. Lisa even has a 30 day course titled Regarding Our Children, where she goes into that much more deeply. So I looked up the definitions for both words to have a bit of a comparison.

The word RESPECT, in the Oxford Dictionary, is defined as “a feeling of deep admiration for someone elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.”

And as a verb, it is “to admire based on abilities, qualities, and achievements.”

So thinking about how this might show up with our children is in the thinking that it's just something we show when they're doing or being the way that we want them to be. And that resonated with my experience of that word as a child.

REGARD on the other hand, is defined as “attention, consideration.”

Also, “a look or a gaze”

Or a third definition was “a protective interest.”

And so that look, that gaze is what really caught my eye, attention and consideration. That if we're really seeing our children and if that's how we want to show respect, through looking and seeing who they truly are...

And really that's at the heart of my passion for the work is coming alongside parents, caregivers and teachers and other interested people and helping them truly see what is going on for their child, the meaning that their behavior has.

Just being seen is very powerful and essential.

Thinking about strategies, and this is where it continues to apply to all of us. How do we show regard or make a shift from a mindset of expecting or demanding respect from our children to shifting towards showing regard and what the value is in doing that.

The value in doing that is that it helps our children have confidence in themselves and their bodies. And over time it teaches them how to be safe with their bodies through having body autonomy.

Strategies

1. Having regard for ourselves.

   This is something I'm continuing to practice for myself. We are all in different places working on this, I imagine. It's something maybe you would like to work on too. That could start with pausing and noticing how you're feeling in your body in a given moment and at different moments throughout the day. That's something Lisa, a Somatic Experiencing practitioner, has helped me with at different times: to learn how to be more aware of my body. This has been especially useful as I tend to be more of a “head type”.

   And so pausing and noticing how you feel in your body, making a note of that. And then making the shift, something you can do in that moment as simple as breathing differently. We know that taking a longer exhale than inhale is something that is calming and sends a signal to the brain that I AM SAFE.
   
   So noticing how you are feeling and making a shift. Or making a note and saying to yourself and those around you, “Okay I need to take a break. I can't do it right the second we're in the middle of something really intense or important, but I'm going to find a way to make a shift, to pay attention to myself and take care of myself in the next few minutes here.”
   
   So with babies and children:

2. Waiting.

   This is something that you can do, even with a newborn. A newborn baby is someone whom you are just learning all about: their language, their temperament, their preferences. But one of the ways that we can show regard from the beginning is to pause: to watch and wait for them to look at you before you pick them up or before you speak to them. It's hard to see what they're doing as being important but it really is their “work”. They're taking in their surroundings and they're learning about everything from the beginning. So waiting for them to pause and to look at you before speaking to them, picking them up, or to change a diaper is a wonderful way to support their regulation, self-awareness, confidence and attention. Going along with that:

3. Asking for permission.

   I did this with my daughter when she was a baby and it was amazing to me (even though my background is in infant and early childhood mental health) to see how early she was able to communicate with me and show that she heard me and that she was getting her body ready for what I was saying was coming next. It became a routine, a pattern she could anticipate.

   So experiment with asking for permission before picking up, touching or moving them.

4. Joining a child.

   I don't know about your home but in mine, the TV, tablet, listening to audio books… setting limits around all of these things can be challenging. And so, one of the things I have noticed is that if I am to join a child, or my child in particular, for a few minutes. And I connect with her around what she's watching or doing and then say, “Okay, after this episode we're going to turn it off/take a break/move on to something else.” It all goes much smoother! That joining is really an act of regard and also helps them feel connected and prepare before having to move away from something that really has their attention.

5. Body autonomy and choices

   The last one is one that I think is really catching on in popularity in schools which I'm so excited to see. I've seen it in my daughter's school and I've seen Facebook posts and videos of it being done in other schools and that's really encouraging to me. Giving children control over how and if they greet others and show affection to others. And so this is something that I think we're growing in awareness of how important it is for children to have autonomy over their bodies.
   
   Choices offered can be: a high five, a hug, a handshake, a dance, or silly custom handshakes. I have found that adding a little bit of movement and silliness into times of transition can make those moments easier to tolerate as well. So, if it is hard for your child to say good-bye or transition to a new caregiver, talk with them in advance about how they would like to connect with the caregiver as well as how they would like to say good-bye to you. Connection and relationships make all the difference!

If you have any thoughts or questions about what I've shared here today, I'd love it if you would put them in the comments below the video on Facebook or send me an email or DM.

You can read more about my approach on my Parent Coaching page.

Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan. Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.

The Holidays and Creative Self-Care for Parents

Snow is on the ground here in Michigan (a lot of it!) and Christmas music is starting to play in stores.  What does this mean? It's got me in a holiday frame of mind, thinking about all of you and your upcoming gatherings with extended family and friends.  I know for many these gatherings can bring joy and new opportunities for building traditions and strengthening connections.  At the same time it can generate anxiety in parents who have children with unique needs and/or who have chosen to parent differently than they were parented in an effort to raise whole, emotionally and physically healthy children.  Most likely it brings both for most of us.  Life is a whole lot of "Both/And", a mix of joy and challenge.  And when we have children it brings issues from our childhood back to the foreground in an often surprising and intense way.  This is ultimately an opportunity for healing and growth but, like all such opportunities, being in the middle can feel miserable and messy.  Awareness to understanding to empathy to change...  It's a journey and one that requires support and community.

This is what inspired my workshop for November, Parenting as Social Action, (which wasn't the best name for it as it turns out... lesson learned).  My intention was to offer a safe space for support, reflection and resource building to fortify and encourage some of the parents in my local community on this brave path of parenting! 

In preparation for the workshop I was reminded of my love for writing, especially creative journaling, as an avenue for healing.  I have been using journaling with parents since I was a young therapist but more recently (2014) I took an online course with Brene Brown on her book, The Gifts of Imperfection.  In it she led us through the book, chapter by chapter, with guided art journal assignments and discussion about what she calls the "guide posts."  As it turns out, it was the perfect medicine for my soul during a long season of waiting, a season in which I now wish I had focused more on my own healing than I did. Ultimately, it ended up being great preparation for what was to come, as our daughter unexpectedly joined our family via adoption shortly after I finished the course. 

Then this week my daughter, who has been intently and intensely creating art as of late, asked to use my oil pastels which I had bought for that course almost 6 years ago (and likely haven't used since then)... Synchronicity at its finest.  So back to my memories of that course and the photo above, which I had posted on Instagram at the time, came to mind.  It was the beginning of an ongoing journey in vulnerability and courage as I gingerly tip toed into the waters of sharing my truth.  The last five years of motherhood, co-parenting and family have offered many opportunities to step further into these waters toward finding my voice, healing my heart and integrating my story, unlike any other time.   
 

So for those of you preparing for gatherings big and small with a bit of apprehension or anxiety about how your children or your parenting will be received

I offer these words of encouragement: 

• You are brave.  Being willing to reflect on, learn and grow within your relationships with your babies (whatever their ages) tells me this.

• Authentic living and parenting requires vulnerability and more courage than you likely feel prepared to muster.

• Your parents and grandparents were all doing the best they could with what they had and knew at the time.  As Pam Leo says, “Every generation of parents softens what they got for their children.”

• Parenting can often feel lonely and yet community (found or made) is necessary for any important endeavor.

• Space and time for reflection is a salve for the soul.

• And similar to how your little one's brain is built on the millions of everyday moments you share, your brain will be re-shaped by the relationships, routines and experiences that fill your days.

Strategies for building in small moments for safe connection, reflection and (soul) nourishment?

• Alone time

  Can you proactively build in alone time with your partner, a FaceTime chat with a close friend, time for prayer/yoga/walking/journaling before and after gatherings with relatives?

  
  

• Journaling

  If you already journal or would like to give creative journaling a try, here are a few ideas for getting started:If you don’t yet have a journal consider choosing a journal without lines, maybe an art pad, for more flexibility. Gather some art materials such a crayons, water color paints, magazines, colored pencils, oil pastels but really use whatever you have or enjoy. (Brene’s course was an excellent time for me to use some of the neglected scrapbooking materials I had stored away.) Then set them in a space where you will see them and have access to them.

• Create a parenting mission statement or manifesto

  If you are in a relationship with your co-parent, set aside some time to brainstorm your parenting values with them. Include what you wish for your children to have and to experience in your family. Check out Brene Brown’s Parenting Manifesto HERE for inspiration!

  
  

• Choose a word

  Choose a word or phrase to anchor yourself over the coming season. Create a page or small note and decorate it with colors, paints, glue, glitter… Make it yours! Put it somewhere where you can easily see it (take a picture of it and save it in your phone, put it on the wall near where you meditate or pray or change diapers or all three!).

• Write yourself permission slips

  One of the exercises Brene shares is the practice of writing “permission slips.” We often think of permission slips as being written by parents for their children. Brene suggests writing yourself permission slips. Think of your higher/wiser self giving you permission to feel your feelings (I give myself permission to … cry when I am sad, …to enjoy my son in the midst of…), do hard things (to say no, to gently set a boundary with my mom around…), recognize your own needs and take action (to say no (again), to slow down, to take a break, to leave when it feels like too much). As you prepare for a long car trip, an exciting event or stressful gathering, consider what you might need, write it down and put it in your pocket as a reminder and encouragement.

• Reflect on your own childhood “angels”

  Write a letter to a parent or other caregiver from your childhood, expressing gratitude for all the things you got from them (love, curiosity, sense of humor, traditions). Only include those things that you appreciate. Explore drawing a picture of your childhood self with this caregiver with your non-dominant hand as a way to access the more emotional and intuitive parts of yourself (and your brain). For more on this activity, non-dominant hand drawing and creative journaling see Lucia Capacchione’s books. This one is an abbreviated version of one of her journal exercises, Paying Tribute (pg. 37 of The Creative Journal for Parents)

• Write a letter to a younger YOU

  Write a letter to your “inner child,” the little boy or girl part that remains in you today. You can write this with your dominant hand, offering words of comfort, acknowledgement, safety, whatever you feel they need and didn’t get at the time. You as an adult now can tend to that young part of yourself. Let them know how you will be taking care of him/her over the holidays or every day. You can begin a dialogue with this inner child part by alternating writing with your dominant hand (adult, thinking, problem-solving part) and your non-dominant hand (child, feeling, security seeking part).

Some of these activities can bring up painful memories or emotions for those who experienced early adversity or trauma (which is most of us). If at any time it feels overwhelming, please stop and seek support. Support may be a friend, partner, a therapist or coach. There is no shame in seeking out support for your healing work. It takes real courage to grow and heal from painful experiences.

Here are some of my favorite introspective parenting books:

Connection Parenting by Pam Leo

The Creative Journal for Parents by Lucia Capacchione

Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell.

Brene Brown’s books are all wonderful but Daring Greatly includes a specific chapter on Wholehearted Parenting. It is full of wisdom and inspiration.

And if differences in parenting or child caregiving creates tension between you and your parents or in-laws, check out Janet Lansbury’s blog and podcast for a number of articles and episodes on this common issue. I shared THIS ONE just this week with a parent.

Last but certainly not least, if you would like support on this parenting journey for healing and tending to your heart, I would love to connect with you. And to learn more about my approach check out my Parent Coaching page.

Click the button below to send me a note to request a free 30 minute Discovery Session.

Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan. Jeri Lea offers a free 45 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.

Increasing Felt Safety

Recently I had the honor of spending an evening with group of local parents, grandparents and professionals discussing BIG behaviors and emotions in our children and where they come from.  I really appreciated the openness and willingness of those who were there to try on new ideas.  It takes vulnerability and courage to reflect on your beliefs and practices as a parent, many of them passed down from family and culture.  I know that being a parent is definitely one of the most challenging (and rewarding) roles I will have in my lifetime.  And from talking to other parents I know I am not alone in that. And part of what makes it easier is having community, knowing that there are many of us navigating this uncharted path of raising little ones to be kind and compassionate in a modern world.

During the workshop we talked about the science of the brain and the autonomic nervous system and how it is our stress/alarm system that is most often underlying aggression, "tantrums," yelling and other big behaviors.  And because our little ones are in a state of fight or flight (or freeze), it just isn't the time for a lot of talking or for a teachable moment. 

Words need to be sparse, but our presence needs to be ample. 

My daughter and I used to have a code for this set of sensations in the body - it's that "I'm being chased by a bear" feeling.

It isn't a thought or a willful choice.  It is the brain's response to a threat detected inside the body, in the environment or in between (our relational space).   

In those moments they really need to borrow our energy and regulation.  It is within our relationship with them that they will regulate and return to a more regulated state.

I used to say that we need to stay calm and they will return to a calm state. What I have since learned is that calm isn’t the point. Staying connected to ourselves and having congruence, or a match between our energy and the situation, is the goal when thinking about co-regulation and eventually self-regulation.

But what about when those moments come all too often?  How can you prevent the meltdowns over time?  For children who seem highly sensitive, anxious, or who have experienced early stress and trauma we want to increase feelings of safety and decrease feelings of threat.  Translating it into our new understanding of the nervous system:

How can you increase your child's sense of "felt safety"?

5 Strategies for Increasing Felt Safety

1.  Validate feelings

One of the most effective ways I have found to help I child feel seen and heard is to acknowledge and validate their feelings.  This also helps them learn to identify their own feelings and to trust themselves and their bodies.  Something I am often asked in reference to this is about being too empathetic or "soft" when focusing on feelings so much.  My response is always:  you can notice and validate your child's response while still holding a boundary.  You don't have to remove the limit and sometimes you absolutely can't.

"I can see you are really disappointed and mad that we aren't going to go to the toy section today.  You really wanted a new toy.  Today we don't have the time (or ___________) to stop there."

2.  Look for opportunities to give your child control through choices and compromises. 

Parents vary in the amount of control they like to share with their children and variation is the spice of life.  However, finding the special recipe that works for you and your child at their current stage and state is where the magic is.  How can you help your child feel in control of their world in regular doses?  There is much that is decided for them so offering them the opportunity to decide on the exact number of minutes left of playing before cleaning up or the order to do their morning routine can help a child feel seen, important and in charge.  This is especially useful for a child who is struggling with anxiety.  Anxiety often appears as anger or obstinance in a little one.

3.  Look for ways to simplify their days and their world. 

We live in a fast-paced world with lots of coming and going.  Simplifying our routines and our days, providing ample time for sleep, play time (outside and in) and family time should take priority as you work to build up your child's sense of safety and coping skills for stress. And look for opportunities to drop demands. If you put on your x-ray vision goggles and look at your child’s day through their eyes and body, what can you notice? Where are there demands that ultimately aren’t necessary right now?

4. Eliminate irritants/toxins

Again if you have a child who is easily stressed or highly sensitive, you may want to consider what those internal and external triggers are and how to eliminate or reduce them.  Are their foods, toxins, nutritional deficiencies, sensory needs or sensitivities?

5.  Music therapy using the Safe and Sound Protocol

The SSP is a non-invasive, passive intervention that uses engineered music to tap into the autonomic nervous system and re-tune it toward safety.  The Safe and Sound Protocol was developed by Dr. Stephen Porges. It is a five-hour auditory intervention designed to reduce stress and auditory sensitivity while enhancing social engagement and resilience. Based on Dr. Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, by calming the physiological and emotional state, the door is opened for improved awareness, communication and more successful therapy (beginning counseling, play therapy, occupational therapy, school, or other transitions).

The SSP is a research-based therapy showing significant results in the following areas:

• Social connectedness

• Emotion regulation

• Improved stress tolerance and resilience

I have used this protocol and was so impressed by the results that during the summer of 2019 I became an SSP practitioner.  Click here to read more about the Safe and Sound Protocol.

For more information about how I can support you and your family in finding greater safety, connection and success at home and school check out the following links or click the button below to send me a note and request a free virtual discovery session:

Parent Coaching

Child Therapy

Being With: A Course for Parents of Kids with Vulnerable Nervous Systems and Big Baffling Behaviors (created by Robyn Gobbel, MSW).

Safe and Sound Protocol

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Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood mental health, parenting, trauma, attachment, and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families in-person and virtually from her offices in Brighton and Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. Click the button below and send me a note to request a discovery session.