I wanted to talk with you about a topic that's been on my mind, in my conversations and in the social media posts I've been reading lately, even more so during this season of holidays when we're spending time with extended family including grandparents, great grandparents, aunts and uncles.
A word that comes up often in and around parenting is one that has become really loaded: it is the word RESPECT.
I use it to talk about parenting practices (as in respectful parenting) for lack of a better word. I often hesitate to use it because of how loaded of a term it has been. In my childhood, I often heard that it was essential for me to show respect to my parents and that meant speaking and behaving calmly no matter what… No matter how I was treated, what was happening in that moment or how I was feeling inside. I had to be perceived as being respectful in all moments. I bet this might resonate for some of you?
So, that word, RESPECT, is my topic for today. And if you're wondering if this is relevant to you and if you should continue reading? My thoughts around “respect” are relevant to those with newborns, all the way up to adult children.
I'm going to start with a story of how this came to my mind. Like many of you, I traveled before Thanksgiving. My daughter and I went to visit some of my family. And it was a trip that didn't go totally as planned. My daughter ended up being sick for a good deal the trip. For a portion of the time we were staying with one of my sisters and my other sister had come to visit for dinner, and there had just been a lot going on so our time together was much shorter than any of us would have liked. And then it came time to say goodbye to one sister as we would be leaving the next day. As I was supporting my daughter in saying goodbye to her cousin and her aunt I said to her, “would you like to give him a high five or a handshake, how would you like to say goodbye.” I really don't remember what she chose, or if she chose either of those things. Then it was time to say goodbye to my sister and my sister said to my daughter, “Okay, since your mom gave you a choice. I'm going to give you a choice. Would you like to give me a high five or a hug.”
I was just so touched. You know, going into the holidays we can have a lot of worry about family visits. I didn't have a lot of worry about how it would go for us with this part of my family actually. I was just filled with anticipation, about the trip and really looking forward to it but I know that's not always true. It can be challenging when visiting different parts of our families and friend groups, worrying about how they might perceive our parenting or perceive our children. And so I was really touched that she had been paying attention, and that she wanted to do something that would feel respectful.
There's that word…
And so I've been thinking about that a lot. My coach, Lisa McCrohan, (yes, therapists and coaches have therapists and coaches too) uses the word REGARD and she uses it a lot. She likes to use it in favor of the word respect and so I was curious about that. Lisa even has a 30 day course titled Regarding Our Children, where she goes into that much more deeply. So I looked up the definitions for both words to have a bit of a comparison.
The word RESPECT, in the Oxford Dictionary, is defined as “a feeling of deep admiration for someone elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.”
And as a verb, it is “to admire based on abilities, qualities, and achievements.”
So thinking about how this might show up with our children is in the thinking that it's just something we show when they're doing or being the way that we want them to be. And that resonated with my experience of that word as a child.
REGARD on the other hand, is defined as “attention, consideration.”
Also, “a look or a gaze”
Or a third definition was “a protective interest.”
And so that look, that gaze is what really caught my eye, attention and consideration. That if we're really seeing our children and if that's how we want to show respect, through looking and seeing who they truly are...
And really that's at the heart of my passion for the work is coming alongside parents, caregivers and teachers and other interested people and helping them truly see what is going on for their child, the meaning that their behavior has.
Just being seen is very powerful and essential.
Thinking about strategies, and this is where it continues to apply to all of us. How do we show regard or make a shift from a mindset of expecting or demanding respect from our children to shifting towards showing regard and what the value is in doing that.
The value in doing that is that it helps our children have confidence in themselves and their bodies. And over time it teaches them how to be safe with their bodies through having body autonomy.
Strategies
Having regard for ourselves.
This is something I'm continuing to practice for myself. We are all in different places working on this, I imagine. It's something maybe you would like to work on too. That could start with pausing and noticing how you're feeling in your body in a given moment and at different moments throughout the day. That's something Lisa, a Somatic Experiencing practitioner, has helped me with at different times: to learn how to be more aware of my body. This has been especially useful as I tend to be more of a “head type”.
And so pausing and noticing how you feel in your body, making a note of that. And then making the shift, something you can do in that moment as simple as breathing differently. We know that taking a longer exhale than inhale is something that is calming and sends a signal to the brain that I AM SAFE.
So noticing how you are feeling and making a shift. Or making a note and saying to yourself and those around you, “Okay I need to take a break. I can't do it right the second we're in the middle of something really intense or important, but I'm going to find a way to make a shift, to pay attention to myself and take care of myself in the next few minutes here.”
So with babies and children:Waiting.
This is something that you can do, even with a newborn. A newborn baby is someone whom you are just learning all about: their language, their temperament, their preferences. But one of the ways that we can show regard from the beginning is to pause: to watch and wait for them to look at you before you pick them up or before you speak to them. It's hard to see what they're doing as being important but it really is their “work”. They're taking in their surroundings and they're learning about everything from the beginning. So waiting for them to pause and to look at you before speaking to them, picking them up, or to change a diaper is a wonderful way to support their regulation, self-awareness, confidence and attention. Going along with that:
Asking for permission.
I did this with my daughter when she was a baby and it was amazing to me (even though my background is in infant and early childhood mental health) to see how early she was able to communicate with me and show that she heard me and that she was getting her body ready for what I was saying was coming next. It became a routine, a pattern she could anticipate.
So experiment with asking for permission before picking up, touching or moving them.
Joining a child.
I don't know about your home but in mine, the TV, tablet, listening to audio books… setting limits around all of these things can be challenging. And so, one of the things I have noticed is that if I am to join a child, or my child in particular, for a few minutes. And I connect with her around what she's watching or doing and then say, “Okay, after this episode we're going to turn it off/take a break/move on to something else.” It all goes much smoother! That joining is really an act of regard and also helps them feel connected and prepare before having to move away from something that really has their attention.
Body autonomy and choices
The last one is one that I think is really catching on in popularity in schools which I'm so excited to see. I've seen it in my daughter's school and I've seen Facebook posts and videos of it being done in other schools and that's really encouraging to me. Giving children control over how and if they greet others and show affection to others. And so this is something that I think we're growing in awareness of how important it is for children to have autonomy over their bodies.
Choices offered can be: a high five, a hug, a handshake, a dance, or silly custom handshakes. I have found that adding a little bit of movement and silliness into times of transition can make those moments easier to tolerate as well. So, if it is hard for your child to say good-bye or transition to a new caregiver, talk with them in advance about how they would like to connect with the caregiver as well as how they would like to say good-bye to you. Connection and relationships make all the difference!
If you have any thoughts or questions about what I've shared here today, I'd love it if you would put them in the comments below the video on Facebook or send me an email or DM.
You can read more about my approach on my Parent Coaching page.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan. Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.