Snow is on the ground here in Michigan (a lot of it!) and Christmas music is starting to play in stores. What does this mean? It's got me in a holiday frame of mind, thinking about all of you and your upcoming gatherings with extended family and friends. I know for many these gatherings can bring joy and new opportunities for building traditions and strengthening connections. At the same time it can generate anxiety in parents who have children with unique needs and/or who have chosen to parent differently than they were parented in an effort to raise whole, emotionally and physically healthy children. Most likely it brings both for most of us. Life is a whole lot of "Both/And", a mix of joy and challenge. And when we have children it brings issues from our childhood back to the foreground in an often surprising and intense way. This is ultimately an opportunity for healing and growth but, like all such opportunities, being in the middle can feel miserable and messy. Awareness to understanding to empathy to change... It's a journey and one that requires support and community.
This is what inspired my workshop for November, Parenting as Social Action, (which wasn't the best name for it as it turns out... lesson learned). My intention was to offer a safe space for support, reflection and resource building to fortify and encourage some of the parents in my local community on this brave path of parenting!
In preparation for the workshop I was reminded of my love for writing, especially creative journaling, as an avenue for healing. I have been using journaling with parents since I was a young therapist but more recently (2014) I took an online course with Brene Brown on her book, The Gifts of Imperfection. In it she led us through the book, chapter by chapter, with guided art journal assignments and discussion about what she calls the "guide posts." As it turns out, it was the perfect medicine for my soul during a long season of waiting, a season in which I now wish I had focused more on my own healing than I did. Ultimately, it ended up being great preparation for what was to come, as our daughter unexpectedly joined our family via adoption shortly after I finished the course.
Then this week my daughter, who has been intently and intensely creating art as of late, asked to use my oil pastels which I had bought for that course almost 6 years ago (and likely haven't used since then)... Synchronicity at its finest. So back to my memories of that course and the photo above, which I had posted on Instagram at the time, came to mind. It was the beginning of an ongoing journey in vulnerability and courage as I gingerly tip toed into the waters of sharing my truth. The last five years of motherhood, co-parenting and family have offered many opportunities to step further into these waters toward finding my voice, healing my heart and integrating my story, unlike any other time.
So for those of you preparing for gatherings big and small with a bit of apprehension or anxiety about how your children or your parenting will be received
I offer these words of encouragement:
You are brave. Being willing to reflect on, learn and grow within your relationships with your babies (whatever their ages) tells me this.
Authentic living and parenting requires vulnerability and more courage than you likely feel prepared to muster.
Your parents and grandparents were all doing the best they could with what they had and knew at the time. As Pam Leo says, “Every generation of parents softens what they got for their children.”
Parenting can often feel lonely and yet community (found or made) is necessary for any important endeavor.
Space and time for reflection is a salve for the soul.
And similar to how your little one's brain is built on the millions of everyday moments you share, your brain will be re-shaped by the relationships, routines and experiences that fill your days.
Strategies for building in small moments for safe connection, reflection and (soul) nourishment?
Alone time
Can you proactively build in alone time with your partner, a FaceTime chat with a close friend, time for prayer/yoga/walking/journaling before and after gatherings with relatives?
Journaling
If you already journal or would like to give creative journaling a try, here are a few ideas for getting started:If you don’t yet have a journal consider choosing a journal without lines, maybe an art pad, for more flexibility. Gather some art materials such a crayons, water color paints, magazines, colored pencils, oil pastels but really use whatever you have or enjoy. (Brene’s course was an excellent time for me to use some of the neglected scrapbooking materials I had stored away.) Then set them in a space where you will see them and have access to them.
Create a parenting mission statement or manifesto
If you are in a relationship with your co-parent, set aside some time to brainstorm your parenting values with them. Include what you wish for your children to have and to experience in your family. Check out Brene Brown’s Parenting Manifesto HERE for inspiration!
Choose a word
Choose a word or phrase to anchor yourself over the coming season. Create a page or small note and decorate it with colors, paints, glue, glitter… Make it yours! Put it somewhere where you can easily see it (take a picture of it and save it in your phone, put it on the wall near where you meditate or pray or change diapers or all three!).
Write yourself permission slips
One of the exercises Brene shares is the practice of writing “permission slips.” We often think of permission slips as being written by parents for their children. Brene suggests writing yourself permission slips. Think of your higher/wiser self giving you permission to feel your feelings (I give myself permission to … cry when I am sad, …to enjoy my son in the midst of…), do hard things (to say no, to gently set a boundary with my mom around…), recognize your own needs and take action (to say no (again), to slow down, to take a break, to leave when it feels like too much). As you prepare for a long car trip, an exciting event or stressful gathering, consider what you might need, write it down and put it in your pocket as a reminder and encouragement.
Reflect on your own childhood “angels”
Write a letter to a parent or other caregiver from your childhood, expressing gratitude for all the things you got from them (love, curiosity, sense of humor, traditions). Only include those things that you appreciate. Explore drawing a picture of your childhood self with this caregiver with your non-dominant hand as a way to access the more emotional and intuitive parts of yourself (and your brain). For more on this activity, non-dominant hand drawing and creative journaling see Lucia Capacchione’s books. This one is an abbreviated version of one of her journal exercises, Paying Tribute (pg. 37 of The Creative Journal for Parents)
Write a letter to a younger YOU
Write a letter to your “inner child,” the little boy or girl part that remains in you today. You can write this with your dominant hand, offering words of comfort, acknowledgement, safety, whatever you feel they need and didn’t get at the time. You as an adult now can tend to that young part of yourself. Let them know how you will be taking care of him/her over the holidays or every day. You can begin a dialogue with this inner child part by alternating writing with your dominant hand (adult, thinking, problem-solving part) and your non-dominant hand (child, feeling, security seeking part).
Some of these activities can bring up painful memories or emotions for those who experienced early adversity or trauma (which is most of us). If at any time it feels overwhelming, please stop and seek support. Support may be a friend, partner, a therapist or coach. There is no shame in seeking out support for your healing work. It takes real courage to grow and heal from painful experiences.
Here are some of my favorite introspective parenting books:
Connection Parenting by Pam Leo
The Creative Journal for Parents by Lucia Capacchione
Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell.
Brene Brown’s books are all wonderful but Daring Greatly includes a specific chapter on Wholehearted Parenting. It is full of wisdom and inspiration.
And if differences in parenting or child caregiving creates tension between you and your parents or in-laws, check out Janet Lansbury’s blog and podcast for a number of articles and episodes on this common issue. I shared THIS ONE just this week with a parent.
Last but certainly not least, if you would like support on this parenting journey for healing and tending to your heart, I would love to connect with you. And to learn more about my approach check out my Parent Coaching page.
Click the button below to send me a note to request a free 30 minute Discovery Session.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan. Jeri Lea offers a free 45 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.