Recently I had the honor of spending an evening with group of local parents, grandparents and professionals discussing BIG behaviors and emotions in our children and where they come from. I really appreciated the openness and willingness of those who were there to try on new ideas. It takes vulnerability and courage to reflect on your beliefs and practices as a parent, many of them passed down from family and culture. I know that being a parent is definitely one of the most challenging (and rewarding) roles I will have in my lifetime. And from talking to other parents I know I am not alone in that. And part of what makes it easier is having community, knowing that there are many of us navigating this uncharted path of raising little ones to be kind and compassionate in a modern world.
During the workshop we talked about the science of the brain and the autonomic nervous system and how it is our stress/alarm system that is most often underlying aggression, "tantrums," yelling and other big behaviors. And because our little ones are in a state of fight or flight (or freeze), it just isn't the time for a lot of talking or for a teachable moment.
Words need to be sparse, but our presence needs to be ample.
My daughter and I used to have a code for this set of sensations in the body - it's that "I'm being chased by a bear" feeling.
It isn't a thought or a willful choice. It is the brain's response to a threat detected inside the body, in the environment or in between (our relational space).
In those moments they really need to borrow our energy and regulation. It is within our relationship with them that they will regulate and return to a more regulated state.
I used to say that we need to stay calm and they will return to a calm state. What I have since learned is that calm isn’t the point. Staying connected to ourselves and having congruence, or a match between our energy and the situation, is the goal when thinking about co-regulation and eventually self-regulation.
But what about when those moments come all too often? How can you prevent the meltdowns over time? For children who seem highly sensitive, anxious, or who have experienced early stress and trauma we want to increase feelings of safety and decrease feelings of threat. Translating it into our new understanding of the nervous system:
How can you increase your child's sense of "felt safety"?
5 Strategies for Increasing Felt Safety
1. Validate feelings
One of the most effective ways I have found to help I child feel seen and heard is to acknowledge and validate their feelings. This also helps them learn to identify their own feelings and to trust themselves and their bodies. Something I am often asked in reference to this is about being too empathetic or "soft" when focusing on feelings so much. My response is always: you can notice and validate your child's response while still holding a boundary. You don't have to remove the limit and sometimes you absolutely can't.
"I can see you are really disappointed and mad that we aren't going to go to the toy section today. You really wanted a new toy. Today we don't have the time (or ___________) to stop there."
2. Look for opportunities to give your child control through choices and compromises.
Parents vary in the amount of control they like to share with their children and variation is the spice of life. However, finding the special recipe that works for you and your child at their current stage and state is where the magic is. How can you help your child feel in control of their world in regular doses? There is much that is decided for them so offering them the opportunity to decide on the exact number of minutes left of playing before cleaning up or the order to do their morning routine can help a child feel seen, important and in charge. This is especially useful for a child who is struggling with anxiety. Anxiety often appears as anger or obstinance in a little one.
3. Look for ways to simplify their days and their world.
We live in a fast-paced world with lots of coming and going. Simplifying our routines and our days, providing ample time for sleep, play time (outside and in) and family time should take priority as you work to build up your child's sense of safety and coping skills for stress. And look for opportunities to drop demands. If you put on your x-ray vision goggles and look at your child’s day through their eyes and body, what can you notice? Where are there demands that ultimately aren’t necessary right now?
4. Eliminate irritants/toxins
Again if you have a child who is easily stressed or highly sensitive, you may want to consider what those internal and external triggers are and how to eliminate or reduce them. Are their foods, toxins, nutritional deficiencies, sensory needs or sensitivities?
5. Music therapy using the Safe and Sound Protocol
The SSP is a non-invasive, passive intervention that uses engineered music to tap into the autonomic nervous system and re-tune it toward safety. The Safe and Sound Protocol was developed by Dr. Stephen Porges. It is a five-hour auditory intervention designed to reduce stress and auditory sensitivity while enhancing social engagement and resilience. Based on Dr. Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, by calming the physiological and emotional state, the door is opened for improved awareness, communication and more successful therapy (beginning counseling, play therapy, occupational therapy, school, or other transitions).
The SSP is a research-based therapy showing significant results in the following areas:
Social connectedness
Emotion regulation
Improved stress tolerance and resilience
I have used this protocol and was so impressed by the results that during the summer of 2019 I became an SSP practitioner. Click here to read more about the Safe and Sound Protocol.
For more information about how I can support you and your family in finding greater safety, connection and success at home and school check out the following links or click the button below to send me a note and request a free virtual discovery session:
Being With: A Course for Parents of Kids with Vulnerable Nervous Systems and Big Baffling Behaviors (created by Robyn Gobbel, MSW).
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood mental health, parenting, trauma, attachment, and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families in-person and virtually from her offices in Brighton and Ann Arbor, Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. Click the button below and send me a note to request a discovery session.