Jeri Lea Kroll 4/26/20 Jeri Lea Kroll 4/26/20

Resources for Families with Young Children During COVID19

There are so many wonderful helpers and healers making resources to support their communities during this time of crisis.

There are so many wonderful helpers and healers making resources to support their communities during this time of crisis. I have shared a number of them on my business Facebook page but thought it would be helpful to collect them in one place for you to find more easily as needs arise.

Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides relationship-focused therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.

Click here to learn more about Jeri Lea’s approach to Child Therapy

Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering parent coaching, child counseling or family therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.

Jeri Lea Kroll 4/25/20 Jeri Lea Kroll 4/25/20

Supporting Regulation When the World Is Upside Down

I have been thinking a lot about the children who have already had the experience of losing what feels familiar to them, maybe through divorce, family separation, death, and/or trauma.

The world certainly feels upside down for most of us during this crisis. Whether you are an essential worker, working overtime and practicing social distancing from your family, or suddenly sheltering in place with your family only leaving your home for brief walks and grocery trips, your routine is likely unrecognizable to the “you” of a few months ago. And then there is the threat of illness and loss beyond the loss of the familiar.

We are all carrying new and often contradictory feelings and fears each hour/day. It is a lot to hold. And even the best of us are struggling to hold it all together all of the time. Finding calm within ourselves can be especially difficult right now, even when we have the good fortune to look around and see familiar surroundings and that we are physically safe.

Now let’s turn to the children.

I have been thinking a lot about the children who have already had the experience of losing what feels familiar to them, maybe through divorce, family separation (adoption, foster care, hospitalization, etc), death, and/or trauma. The experience of this pandemic, while completely new to all of us, is likely feeling familiar in some vague, unspeakable way.

It could be the sudden loss of a special teacher and predictable routines and rhythms.

Maybe it’s the experience of having parents present but unavailable due to work, worry or fatigue.

Or maybe one parent isn’t coming home in order to protect the family from further exposure to the virus.

Even when we put words to these changes for our young children, for those who have experienced early adversity it may not be enough for them to feel safe (I wrote about “felt safety” here) and to find calm within their bodies.

Last week I also offered some strategies for supporting your children with their big emotions and behaviors.

If your child has experienced early adversity and is struggling to manage frustrations, their body and their relationships, they likely need more connection (less correction) and support to help them regulate. My colleague, Robyn Gobbel, says, “Regulated, connected kids, who feel safe, behave well.” I believe this too! And yet sometimes it can be hard to know what to do differently to help a child feel safe, connected and regulated. Shifting your perspective to viewing your child’s behavior as a stress response can help you have empathy for their struggles. Certainly following some or all of the suggestions in the posts linked above can help. Predictability, consistency, presence and compassion are powerfully calming and healing forces for children. Right now, with the world upside down, it may be that you need more inner resources to feel regulated yourself. Starting here is so important. Our children are so perceptive and sensitive to our energy and stress levels. Our nervous systems are constantly reading one another!

Focusing on your breath can be a simple practice you can return to throughout the day. Here is one exercise to try.
Movement, yoga, mindfulness, prayer or mindful self-compassion can all be useful in settling your own nervous system.

What else can we do to support regulation in our children who are vulnerable to stress?

Dr. Bruce Perry, a psychiatrist and founder of the neurosequential model of therapeutics for the treatment of early trauma, recommends following the 6 Rs to support regulation and organization.

The 6 Rs are:

Relational (with a safe adult)

Relevant (to the child’s developmental level)

Repetitive (patterned)

Rewarding (FUN!)

Rhythmic

Respectful (of the child, family and culture)

This “bottom-up” approach offers support to the brain stem, which is impacted by early stress and trauma. This is necessary before moving on to prevention or problem-solving strategies which require use of the higher level brain functions (top-down strategies). In times of stress, when we see our children struggling with regulation, coming back to these activities and building them in throughout our day in playful ways can be calming and organizing for them (and us too). And over time these fun, connecting experiences, within the context of your relationship, become the healing.

Here are some examples of activities that follow the 6Rs:

Bouncing a ball back a forth
Blowing a cotton ball or feather back and forth across a small table
Rocking in a chair or on your lap (while reading or singing)
Singing
Drumming with hands on cushions, homemade instruments or the earth
Yoga movements and breathing
Rolling a ball back a forth
Dancing
Walking
Running
Swinging

I bet you and your kids can come up with more!

If your child is struggling and you are considering counseling and would like information about my approach, click here: Child Therapy.

Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering parent coaching, child counseling or family therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE .

Jeri Lea Kroll 4/16/20 Jeri Lea Kroll 4/16/20

Dealing with Big Emotions While Sheltering in Place with Young Children

So how do we create more calm and safety at home for our young children and ourselves? For me personally, I have been revisiting and leaning on some of my favorite strategies for helping children cope with big emotions and behavioral challenges

Is your child suddenly acting like a younger version of themselves?

Are you seeing more meltdowns and demands for your attention?

Are you growing weary of power struggles over seemingly small things?

Here in Michigan we are in the middle of week #5 of sheltering in place during COVID19. I have been hearing from other parents how children are struggling more as time goes on. Many are struggling with big emotions that come out at unexpected times, over seemingly small things. And parents are stressed trying to meet the needs of their children, their jobs, family members who are at high-risk and the stress of being home without school and work routines. I am sure you can relate!

There are so many changes and losses that we are navigating all at once. And for young children, especially those who are more sensitive or who have experienced early stress or adversity, it can be especially difficult. Losses are more deeply felt, even if they are temporary they can act as visceral reminders of earlier losses or periods of stress/unpredictability. Regulation can be more difficult during times when the caregivers are understandably stressed or, despite their best efforts, perceived as being less available.

So how do we create more calm and safety at home for our young children and ourselves?

For me personally, I have been revisiting and leaning on some of my favorite strategies for helping children cope with big emotions and behavioral challenges in preschool and child care settings, ones I used often as an early childhood mental health consultant. Today I will share 4 that have been helping me create more safety and predictability at home during a time that feels to be lacking in both.

4 Strategies for Creating More Calm

1. Practice a “Time In.”

Even if you have had success using a version of a Time Out (some separation for cooling down or isolation) with your child, it is very likely that they are protesting that separation from you right now. Time outs can create stress and an escalation of emotions and behavior because our little ones need to borrow our calm in order to find their way back to their own inner calm. Co-regulation within their most important relationships is what builds the capacity for children to manage stress and emotions on their own. And stress, loss, and trauma can all make it more difficult for a child to use the skills you have practiced with them time and time again. So even an older child may revert to “throwing tantrums” during times of stress. A Time In is a process that offers a brief break for you to calm first and then a time for being-with, acknowledgement of feelings and once calm there can be a discussion of alternatives and repair. I have used the following outline from the founders of the Circle of Security for years.

You can find the full text here: Repair Using a Time In from Circle of Security International

If You are Upset and Your child is Upset

When necessary, I start with a “Time-Out”* (for me, for my child, or for both of us) until:

I know that I am bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind, and

I remind myself that no matter how I feel, my child needs me.

I’m Calm (enough) and My Child is Upset

We can build a safe “repair routine” together

I take charge so my child is not too out of control.

We can change location. Go to a neutral place that is our “Time-in” spot, where we sit together and let feelings begin to change.

I maintain a calm tone of voice (firm, reassuring, and kind).

We can do something different (for several minutes): read, or look out the window, or attend to a chore together.

I help my child bring words to her/his feelings. (“It looks like this is hard for you.” “Are you mad/sad/afraid?”)

I talk about my feelings about what just happened. (“When you did that, I felt…”)

I stay with my child until s/he is calm enough. (It may take a while for a child to calm down from overwhelming and unorganized feelings. Rule of thumb: Stay in charge and stay sympathetic.)

I’m Calm (enough) and My Child is Calm (enough)

I use the following to support our repair and to make repair easier in the future.

I help my child use words for the needs and feelings that s/he is struggling with by listening and talking together. (Remember KISS—Keep It Short And Sweet)

I help my child take responsibility for her/his part and I can take responsibility for my part. (Rule of thumb: No blaming allowed.)

We talk about new ways of dealing with the problem in the future. (Even for very young children, talking out loud about new options will establish a pattern and a feeling that can be repeated through the years.)

Above text © Cassidy, Cooper, Hoffman, & Powell – 2000 circleofsecurity.org

It takes practice and it isn’t easy but what develops over time is some relief in your child as they know what is coming next and that you are going to be there for them, on their side to help them through the storm. Eventually they will begin the process for you or even offer you pieces of it in the midst of your own upset.

2. Create a Time In spot.

A Time In spot can be anywhere but I have found it is helpful to have a feeling basket nearby with books related to feelings as well as calming items. This is a great way to re-purpose one of those Easter baskets or any spare bin. Collecting some of your children’s favorite books about feelings, connecting, comfort and calming in one spot can lead to snuggles and smiles during Time In or any time! Calming items can include: bubbles, stress ball, chewlery or teething toy, party blowers, “mind in a jar” (see #3), calming cue cards, paper for crumpling, crayons or pencil for writing out feelings… The possibilities and options are endless but please choose those items that are suitable to your child’s age, needs and development. Here is an example from my home. I made feeling cards out of an old board book and some 3M adhesive.

If you don’t happen to have feeling cards, you have several options: you can print some from any number of internet sources, you can make your own using pictures from magazines or your own family photos, or lastly, you and your children could draw pictures. This could be a fun, easy project for the whole family I don’t know about your family but in my house we have been doing oodles of arts and craft projects Here you can accomplish two goals with one project!.

The same goes for calming cue cards. My favorite cards (so far) are the Mindful Kids deck from Barefoot Books. They are beautifully illustrated and useful for young children all the way up to grandparents! (I am not an ambassador for Barefoot Books any longer but love their products for their values around sustainability, diversity and inclusion). If you don’t have anything similar you can print free calming cue cards from Conscious Discipline or another website. You have lots of options!

You can also make a similarly stocked “feelings bag” to take with you in the car or when out and about.

3. Create a calming jar

Another fun craft-project-turned-calming-tool is the calming jar or, as my daughter calls it, the “mind in a jar jar.” With some glitter, water and food coloring as basic ingredients you can make this calming tool to use in your feelings basket. Here is one set of instructions from Mindful magazine.

4. Create a calming spot

For some children, having a separate space for calming, may be especially useful during this extended time of being home together.

Some children find it comforting to be in a small, enclosed space when there is a lot going on or when they are getting overwhelmed. Having a small space within your larger living area that can be used for resting or calming can be another tool to help them cope. And it can offer them the security of being near you and your family without necessarily being in the “mix”. Depending on the size of your child and their preferences this could be a pop up kids’ tent, large box, laundry basket (toddlers and laundry baskets!!), corner of a bedroom or living space or a homemade fort (one you can tolerate for more than a few hours). :-) And having the feelings basket nearby will offer opportunities for them to find ways to practice comforting themselves or their stuffies.

I am not sure how much longer we will be sheltering in place but I hope these strategies offer some ideas for you and your children to find more connection and safety together. And if you are feeling like you could use more support please reach out.

Click here to learn more about my approach to Child Counseling

Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.

Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.

Jeri Lea Kroll 11/4/19 Jeri Lea Kroll 11/4/19

Increasing Felt Safety

But what about when those moments come all too often? How can you prevent the meltdowns over time? For children who seem highly sensitive, anxious, or who have experienced early stress and

Recently I had the honor of spending an evening with group of local parents, grandparents and professionals discussing BIG behaviors and emotions in our children and where they come from. I really appreciated the openness and willingness of those who were there to try on new ideas. It takes vulnerability and courage to reflect on your beliefs and practices as a parent, many of them passed down from family and culture. I know that being a parent is definitely one of the most challenging (and rewarding) roles I will have in my lifetime. And from talking to other parents I know I am not alone in that. And part of what makes it easier is having community, knowing that there are many of us navigating this uncharted path of raising little ones to be kind and compassionate in a modern world.

During the workshop we talked about the science of the brain and the autonomic nervous system and how it is our stress/alarm system that is most often underlying aggression, "tantrums," yelling and other big behaviors. And because our little ones are in a state of fight or flight (or freeze), it just isn't the time for a lot of talking or for a teachable moment.

Words need to be sparse, but our presence needs to be ample.

My daughter and I used to have a code for this set of sensations in the body - it's that "I'm being chased by a bear" feeling.

It isn't a thought or a willful choice. It is the brain's response to a threat detected inside the body, in the environment or in between (our relational space).

In those moments they really need to borrow our energy and regulation. It is within our relationship with them that they will regulate and return to a more regulated state.

I used to say that we need to stay calm and they will return to a calm state. What I have since learned is that calm isn’t the point. Staying connected to ourselves and having congruence, or a match between our energy and the situation, is the goal when thinking about co-regulation and eventually self-regulation.

But what about when those moments come all too often? How can you prevent the meltdowns over time? For children who seem highly sensitive, anxious, or who have experienced early stress and trauma we want to increase feelings of safety and decrease feelings of threat. Translating it into our new understanding of the nervous system:

How can you increase your child's sense of "felt safety"?

5 Strategies for Increasing Felt Safety

1. Validate feelings

One of the most effective ways I have found to help I child feel seen and heard is to acknowledge and validate their feelings. This also helps them learn to identify their own feelings and to trust themselves and their bodies. Something I am often asked in reference to this is about being too empathetic or "soft" when focusing on feelings so much. My response is always: you can notice and validate your child's response while still holding a boundary. You don't have to remove the limit and sometimes you absolutely can't.

"I can see you are really disappointed and mad that we aren't going to go to the toy section today. You really wanted a new toy. Today we don't have the time (or ___________) to stop there."

2. Look for opportunities to give your child control through choices and compromises.

Parents vary in the amount of control they like to share with their children and variation is the spice of life. However, finding the special recipe that works for you and your child at their current stage and state is where the magic is. How can you help your child feel in control of their world in regular doses? There is much that is decided for them so offering them the opportunity to decide on the exact number of minutes left of playing before cleaning up or the order to do their morning routine can help a child feel seen, important and in charge. This is especially useful for a child who is struggling with anxiety. Anxiety often appears as anger or obstinance in a little one.

3. Look for ways to simplify their days and their world.

We live in a fast-paced world with lots of coming and going. Simplifying our routines and our days, providing ample time for sleep, play time (outside and in) and family time should take priority as you work to build up your child's sense of safety and coping skills for stress. And look for opportunities to drop demands. If you put on your x-ray vision goggles and look at your child’s day through their eyes and body, what can you notice? Where are there demands that ultimately aren’t necessary right now?

4. Eliminate irritants/toxins

Again if you have a child who is easily stressed or highly sensitive, you may want to consider what those internal and external triggers are and how to eliminate or reduce them. Are their foods, toxins, nutritional deficiencies, sensory needs or sensitivities?

5. Music therapy using the Safe and Sound Protocol

The SSP is a non-invasive, passive intervention that uses engineered music to tap into the autonomic nervous system and re-tune it toward safety. The Safe and Sound Protocol was developed by Dr. Stephen Porges. It is a five-hour auditory intervention designed to reduce stress and auditory sensitivity while enhancing social engagement and resilience. Based on Dr. Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, by calming the physiological and emotional state, the door is opened for improved awareness, communication and more successful therapy (beginning counseling, play therapy, occupational therapy, school, or other transitions).

The SSP is a research-based therapy showing significant results in the following areas:

Social connectedness
Emotion regulation
Improved stress tolerance and resilience

I have used this protocol and was so impressed by the results that during the summer of 2019 I became an SSP practitioner. Click here to read more about the Safe and Sound Protocol.

For more information about how I can support you and your family in finding greater safety, connection and success at home and school check out the following links or click the button below to send me a note and request a free virtual discovery session:

Parent Coaching

Child Therapy

Being With: A Course for Parents of Kids with Vulnerable Nervous Systems and Big Baffling Behaviors (created by Robyn Gobbel, MSW).

Safe and Sound Protocol

Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood mental health, parenting, trauma, attachment, and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families in-person and virtually from her offices in Brighton and Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. Click the button below and send me a note to request a discovery session.

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