Is your child suddenly acting like a younger version of themselves?
Are you seeing more meltdowns and demands for your attention?
Are you growing weary of power struggles over seemingly small things?
Here in Michigan we are in the middle of week #5 of sheltering in place during COVID19. I have been hearing from other parents how children are struggling more as time goes on. Many are struggling with big emotions that come out at unexpected times, over seemingly small things. And parents are stressed trying to meet the needs of their children, their jobs, family members who are at high-risk and the stress of being home without school and work routines. I am sure you can relate!
There are so many changes and losses that we are navigating all at once. And for young children, especially those who are more sensitive or who have experienced early stress or adversity, it can be especially difficult. Losses are more deeply felt, even if they are temporary they can act as visceral reminders of earlier losses or periods of stress/unpredictability. Regulation can be more difficult during times when the caregivers are understandably stressed or, despite their best efforts, perceived as being less available.
So how do we create more calm and safety at home for our young children and ourselves?
For me personally, I have been revisiting and leaning on some of my favorite strategies for helping children cope with big emotions and behavioral challenges in preschool and child care settings, ones I used often as an early childhood mental health consultant. Today I will share 4 that have been helping me create more safety and predictability at home during a time that feels to be lacking in both.
4 Strategies for Creating More Calm
1. Practice a “Time In.”
Even if you have had success using a version of a Time Out (some separation for cooling down or isolation) with your child, it is very likely that they are protesting that separation from you right now. Time outs can create stress and an escalation of emotions and behavior because our little ones need to borrow our calm in order to find their way back to their own inner calm. Co-regulation within their most important relationships is what builds the capacity for children to manage stress and emotions on their own. And stress, loss, and trauma can all make it more difficult for a child to use the skills you have practiced with them time and time again. So even an older child may revert to “throwing tantrums” during times of stress. A Time In is a process that offers a brief break for you to calm first and then a time for being-with, acknowledgement of feelings and once calm there can be a discussion of alternatives and repair. I have used the following outline from the founders of the Circle of Security for years.
You can find the full text here: Repair Using a Time In from Circle of Security International
If You are Upset and Your child is Upset
When necessary, I start with a “Time-Out”* (for me, for my child, or for both of us) until:
I know that I am bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind, and
I remind myself that no matter how I feel, my child needs me.
I’m Calm (enough) and My Child is Upset
We can build a safe “repair routine” together
I take charge so my child is not too out of control.
We can change location. Go to a neutral place that is our “Time-in” spot, where we sit together and let feelings begin to change.
I maintain a calm tone of voice (firm, reassuring, and kind).
We can do something different (for several minutes): read, or look out the window, or attend to a chore together.
I help my child bring words to her/his feelings. (“It looks like this is hard for you.” “Are you mad/sad/afraid?”)
I talk about my feelings about what just happened. (“When you did that, I felt…”)
I stay with my child until s/he is calm enough. (It may take a while for a child to calm down from overwhelming and unorganized feelings. Rule of thumb: Stay in charge and stay sympathetic.)
I’m Calm (enough) and My Child is Calm (enough)
I use the following to support our repair and to make repair easier in the future.
I help my child use words for the needs and feelings that s/he is struggling with by listening and talking together. (Remember KISS—Keep It Short And Sweet)
I help my child take responsibility for her/his part and I can take responsibility for my part. (Rule of thumb: No blaming allowed.)
We talk about new ways of dealing with the problem in the future. (Even for very young children, talking out loud about new options will establish a pattern and a feeling that can be repeated through the years.)
Above text © Cassidy, Cooper, Hoffman, & Powell – 2000 circleofsecurity.org
It takes practice and it isn’t easy but what develops over time is some relief in your child as they know what is coming next and that you are going to be there for them, on their side to help them through the storm. Eventually they will begin the process for you or even offer you pieces of it in the midst of your own upset.
2. Create a Time In spot.
A Time In spot can be anywhere but I have found it is helpful to have a feeling basket nearby with books related to feelings as well as calming items. This is a great way to re-purpose one of those Easter baskets or any spare bin. Collecting some of your children’s favorite books about feelings, connecting, comfort and calming in one spot can lead to snuggles and smiles during Time In or any time! Calming items can include: bubbles, stress ball, chewlery or teething toy, party blowers, “mind in a jar” (see #3), calming cue cards, paper for crumpling, crayons or pencil for writing out feelings… The possibilities and options are endless but please choose those items that are suitable to your child’s age, needs and development. Here is an example from my home. I made feeling cards out of an old board book and some 3M adhesive.
If you don’t happen to have feeling cards, you have several options: you can print some from any number of internet sources, you can make your own using pictures from magazines or your own family photos, or lastly, you and your children could draw pictures. This could be a fun, easy project for the whole family I don’t know about your family but in my house we have been doing oodles of arts and craft projects Here you can accomplish two goals with one project!.
The same goes for calming cue cards. My favorite cards (so far) are the Mindful Kids deck from Barefoot Books. They are beautifully illustrated and useful for young children all the way up to grandparents! (I am not an ambassador for Barefoot Books any longer but love their products for their values around sustainability, diversity and inclusion). If you don’t have anything similar you can print free calming cue cards from Conscious Discipline or another website. You have lots of options!
You can also make a similarly stocked “feelings bag” to take with you in the car or when out and about.
3. Create a calming jar
Another fun craft-project-turned-calming-tool is the calming jar or, as my daughter calls it, the “mind in a jar jar.” With some glitter, water and food coloring as basic ingredients you can make this calming tool to use in your feelings basket. Here is one set of instructions from Mindful magazine.
4. Create a calming spot
For some children, having a separate space for calming, may be especially useful during this extended time of being home together.
Some children find it comforting to be in a small, enclosed space when there is a lot going on or when they are getting overwhelmed. Having a small space within your larger living area that can be used for resting or calming can be another tool to help them cope. And it can offer them the security of being near you and your family without necessarily being in the “mix”. Depending on the size of your child and their preferences this could be a pop up kids’ tent, large box, laundry basket (toddlers and laundry baskets!!), corner of a bedroom or living space or a homemade fort (one you can tolerate for more than a few hours). :-) And having the feelings basket nearby will offer opportunities for them to find ways to practice comforting themselves or their stuffies.
I am not sure how much longer we will be sheltering in place but I hope these strategies offer some ideas for you and your children to find more connection and safety together. And if you are feeling like you could use more support please reach out.
Click here to learn more about my approach to Child Counseling
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.
