Over the recent winter break my daughter and I were home more than usual and out of our now “regular” routine. Add in sweets, treats, bright lights, late nights and more excitement…. It is a recipe for something but not usually for ease and connection.
Then this happened:
My daughter was upset when I said no to something (not sure if it was sugar or media) and with many of the added ingredients from the list above (less sleep, changes in routines and schedules, less movement and lots of treats) it didn’t surprise me when she leaned over a basket and began shooting stuffed things out of it in protest.
In a moment of clarity and calm I got close, took a breath and said (likely after validating her disappointment), “Oh, would you like to make a crash pile?” Without losing a beat she replied, “Yes!” And then she was off to gather every pillow and soft thing she could find in our house to make a pile AND THEN an obstacle course (recreating some of her favorite elements of the yoga class we used to attend together when she was a toddler.
Magical, huh? It really was magical. (Okay, it may not seem magical if you were expecting our house to stay tidy in the midst of meeting her need!)
Yet, it doesn’t always end this way. Sometimes it ends with more throwing and both of us reacting instead of responding, followed by both of us working to find the right mix of soothing to regroup.
But it did happen. And afterwards, I couldn’t stop thinking about what made it possible. So many reasons why my daughter wouldn’t be able to manage a frustration in that moment but she was quick to embrace my suggestion and didn’t even need or ask for support in making the shift (also unusual).
So what were the secret ingredients on this day that allowed us both to stay regulated enough to shift to something playful? Over the preceding two days I had taken some time to connect with a friend, move my body each day AND I made it to church. Three things that helped to fill my own cup. It had been a lovely weekend with lots of space for me to recharge which isn’t always possible. Yet, it highlights the nature of regulation as being a relational experience. When we are feeling calm and resourced, we are better able to send signals of safety and to share our calm with our children.
What can you do if your cup is feeling dry?
How can you build in regular, small moments and routines for tending to your own needs?
Here is a short list of suggestions for mini-breaks to get you started:
Wake up 15 minutes before your children to breathe, meditate, pray, stretch, brew coffee…
I know many moms (myself included at times) who stay up late each night to have some alone time. This tends to lead to less sleep and even disrupted sleep.
If being in nature grounds you, find ways to get outside with your kids or alone.
Taking your children to a park or nature trail or meeting another family there is a wonderful way to reset everyone’s nervous systems, get some exercise and some vitamin N! Hike it Baby is a wonderful organization that can help you connect with other families in your area who also want to get outside. Check out THIS post for more ideas for getting your family outside.
Create a playlist of songs for the hardest part of your day.
If you can’t get out to see a friend, schedule a virtual coffee date.
Better yet, schedule in some social time each week. Date night AND a walk with a friend.
Speaking of date night, tend to your relationship with your partner.
Build small and not so small regular routines into your day/week/month that allow for connection, planning, and communication.
What micro, medium and large moments can you give yourself to tend to your own needs for connection, regulation and joy?
Click to read more about my approach to Parent Coaching. If you would like to explore how coaching or therapy could help you feel more resourced and nourished so that you can care for your family, please click HERE to send me a note. I offer a free 30 minute discovery session where I can get to know a little about you and your needs and you can get a sense of me and my approach.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.