It’s November…again
Another month of National Adoptee/Adoption Awareness Month.
Another month of watching, listening, and reading the work of fellow adoptees.
I often sit in awe and silence and go a bit into my possum brain. (IYKYK)
It’s been a long while since I have offered an introduction, so let’s start there:
Hi! I am Jeri Lea. I am a therapist, a parent (via marriage and adoption), a white cis gendered woman, daughter, sister, friend, aunt, godmother (but not a very good one), “Dee” and more.
I am also an adoptee from a domestic, same race adoption from the baby scoop era.
Recently I attended a work meeting where we each shared a baby photo and told an early story. This is the photo I chose. It is one of the first photos I have...
I know, some may be thinking, “What do I do and where do I work that allows/requires you to share baby pictures and talk about your early stories!”
So weird, right?
Not really. It’s all pretty cool and kinda perfect!
Somehow I found my way to the field of infant & early childhood mental health.
From years of caring for babies and young children to learning about attachment theory to finding out there was a specialty dedicated to safeguarding and/or healing the earliest of human relationships.
It’s been a journey that is interwoven with my personal journey of learning to appreciate and honor the importance of my earliest days, even as that ran counter to the messages I received from the world at large.
Like every adoptee I know, there hasn’t been one single moment of consciousness raising but many small and not so small moments strung together, sometimes with years in between. And the journey continues!
One such moment was back in the mid-90s (eek!) while I was in a post-graduate certificate program. It was a small cohort centered around supporting families with babies and toddlers. One day we were beginning with a new teacher, Bill Schafer, and as he closed the door to the classroom (and while I was busy setting up my name tent and not at all focused) he asked a surprising question, “How many of you here are adopted?” I was distracted but by the time the words landed in my brain and my brain made sense of them, it was too late to raise my hand. But what in the world? He then said, “Oh, well usually there are one or two adoptees in every group because adoptees are always fascinated with the origins of things.”
This was so confusing to me. Many years later when Bill became my mentor, I shared this memory with him and he shook his head in disbelief. He believed me but couldn’t believe he had said it in such a casual way.
It’s nearly 30 years later and I fully understand and own that statement he made. Adoptees are fascinated with the origins of things and for very good reasons!
Our origins matter!
The rhythms, sounds, smells, tastes and touches from the very beginning matter. Interruptions to these experiences, even when they are brief, matter.
Experiences that are “too much, too soon and too fast” (Menakem, 2017) during these early days matter disproportionately (more than they will just a few weeks from now (Perry and Winfrey, 2021).
Adoptees are passionate because we live in a world that continues to prefer and promote a narrative that nurturance, love and comfort matter more than who they are received from.
Most prospective and expectant parents continue to not be prepared for the impact of those early disruptions, losses and traumas (too much, too soon, too fast) on their young baby or child.
Thus, this is my greatest wish:
It’s time for the gap between the adoption professionals and the infant-family professionals to close. We can change the experiences for parents and very young adoptees and we should. That doesn’t mean that my field is immune to the persistent win-win narrative of modern adoption but it does mean that there are a group of early interventionists and clinicians who are already trained to be with and support complex family systems and vulnerable babies.
Babies need attunement.
Attunement requires being seen for who they really are.
Being seen requires understanding who their family is, what their earliest experiences were, acknowledging their identities, familial, cultural and historical roots, preferences and more.
Seeing a baby clearly requires processing the losses, expectations and family wounds that led to this moment in this family.
The earlier they are seen and known, the earlier their adults can make decisions that are truly aligned with their best interests.
Now dream with me if you are so inclined…
Maybe that might mean more expectant parents are supported in their time of challenge to find the resources and community they need to keep their family together.
Or, if their heartbreaking circumstances still require it, they could make informed decisions AND receive the care they need throughout and after to tend to their broken hearts and practical needs.
Maybe it would mean that prospective adoptive/foster parents would seek out a consultation to discuss their expectations, hopes/dreams, losses and the needs of the child coming to their home.
Maybe it would mean more prospective adoptive parents would seek out therapy for themselves early in the process.
Maybe it would mean there would be fewer adoptees and for the ones still placed outside of their families, their new families would be supported skillfully from the beginning to ensure their connections to family of origin remain a priority, that all of their parents would have support around navigating sticky encounters, milestones, and stories to be told.
Because adoption would be centered on the needs of the baby/child.
Maybe it would mean…
That parents' education and growth would be ongoing, side by side with their child.
That cycles of loss and trauma would finally be interrupted and healed.
That ghosts in the child’s and parents’ pasts would be known and grieved.
That common early challenges for separated and relinquished babies around sleep, eating, separation and co-regulation would be identified and supported, instead of dismissed.
That more therapists, counselors and early childhood professionals would become informed and begin deconstructing the western story of modern adoption.
Who is ready?
I know many adult adoptees who are already sounding the alarm and shouting that the cost of this remaining a dream is far too high.
It’s time for it to become our reality.
P.S. If this is already happening in your corner of the world, I would love to connect with you and hear more!