As a therapist and parent coach who is also a parent (and human), there are moments when my life parallels the lives of my clients. Covid was an intense and prolonged example of this as we all were coping with sudden changes and unpredictable circumstances which at times exhausted our tools for caring for ourselves and our families. Parenting since Covid has continued to be tricky for so many, me included. We are all still “in it,” in that the pandemic impacted… everything… in ways we can’t always articulate and see. Figuring out what our kids need physically/socially/emotionally/educationally, while so much of the world tries to resume life as “normal” can be nothing short of exhausting. This is especially true for caregivers of kids with vulnerable nervous systems.
In brief, that’s where I have been: in a season of intense focus on family, working hard to understand and advocate for what my child needs, making necessary adjustments and then finally tending to my own vulnerable nervous system (words I never had as a kid but that would have fit then too!). Like many of you, we have had to let go of many things to find a new rhythm that allows everyone to experience more regulation, connection and felt safety.
Last winter, as we were in the thick of struggle, I did what I often do, I asked a lot of questions (sometimes too many I am told!), made lists and tried my best to make some things happen! Can you relate?
One of the lists I started was a Joy List for my daughter and me. And next to it an Ease List for each of us. We both came up with a number of ideas for bringing more ease and comfort to our bodies and nervous systems. And she rattled off 9 things/people/experiences that bring her Joy. I then put the big pink sheet of lists on the fridge and we moved on to whatever was next that day. It took some time, but she noticed what was missing first and asked, “Mom, how come there is nothing on your Joy list?” At first, I dismissed it. I was likely multitasking to begin with. After some time, I found myself checking out that blank space. Why wasn’t there anything there? Why couldn’t I come up with 2, 3, or even ONE thing? This can’t be a good sign! And while there is grief in not having access to some of my biggest Joys, surely I should figure out how to have more Joy where I am right now. So, I made a project out of “noticing,” noticing what made me smile and delighted me. It became a summer project. As it turned out, many of the things I noticed were elements and experiences in nature. They weren’t the big things I might have wished for like a vacation by the ocean or a trip to a new forest. Nope. They were the smallest moments of joy that I collected right outside my door. The butterflies and zinnias. Short walks in the warm sun all by myself. The view of a lake outside my window. As I intentionally collected my “noticings” I also began to feel more connected to myself.
This is no small thing!
It is worth pursuing all on its own!
It’s a summer and lesson I won’t soon forget.
Nervous system healing can be in the little things too. As I started noticing and working to incorporate more Joy and Ease into my life, I began to feel more grounded, and my window of stress tolerance slowly widened. Which allowed me to stay more regulated and better connected to myself during moments of intensity. That’s pretty useful too, right?
We’ve made a lot of big changes too. Changes to our expectations (dropping lots of “shoulds”), our routines, school and my work.
It’s been hard, hard work but fruitful.
How do I know that it is fruitful? With lots of intentional effort, there is more playfulness, joy and ease in our bodies and house these days. Not every moment of every day, but more and more.
It’s been an experience of learning right alongside my clients. Reminding myself of how growth and healing happen (inside relationships! and in small moments) and practicing being with myself and my child.
I made this printable of some of the ways that you too could use nature, inside and outside, to help you connect with the wider world and yourself through the next few months and beyond. Most of them are also wonderful activities to do as a family! Click below for your copy.