Has your family recently suffered a loss or are you anticipating a loss? If so, I am sending you compassion from afar.
Trying to understand the death of a loved one can be confusing for a child. Perhaps your child has just had to say goodbye to a beloved grandparent, aunt, or uncle. Maybe you have lost your spouse, and your child is trying to adjust to life without their parent. Or you have experienced a pregnancy loss after anticipating and celebrating a new sibling. If so, your child will likely have questions, fears and many feelings at once. And you may even see a younger version of your child for a period of time.
Oxygen Mask ON!
Supporting a child through the loss of a loved one can be emotionally challenging at times. After all, you are likely navigating your own grief as well. Please know that your wellbeing is incredibly important! Your grief needs space too. And at the same time, your child likely needs you even more right now. So place your own oxygen mask on first! For you that may mean asking for help from friends and family, finding support in your faith community, starting grief counseling or locating a support group. Then consider these tips for supporting your child through this uncertain time.
Encourage Them to Express Their Feelings
Give your child time and space to talk about how they are feeling. Be there to comfort them when they’re upset and crying. But it’s important to note that children experience grief somewhat differently than adults. For instance, it’s not uncommon for a child to cry over a deceased love one and then seem to cheer up a few minutes later and switch their focus to playing. Or maybe your little one is playing out stories of death in their imaginative play. Play is the language of children and a natural source of healing. Listen in or ask to observe. Then you can make note of what they are thinking, questions or errors in thinking and feelings that need validating. If you are feeling at a loss for words, check out some children’s books on loss from your local library. Stories can help both us and our kids find words and make meaning.
Talk About What to Expect
This applies to both an anticipated loss as well as one that has already occurred. If your child is accompanying you to the hospital, a funeral or wake they may have lots of questions about what it will be like. Tell them what to expect to prepare them for the dying process and memorial rituals. Hospice staff or Child Life specialists can be incredibly helpful in this area. And if the person who died was a part of their typical routines – for instance, a grandparent who picked them up from school – let your child know who will take over these roles now so that they aren’t caught off guard.
Be Direct
We often use euphemisms to talk about death. Your faith may be very important to you and your family in coping with your loss and will likely inform the words you choose. At the same time, while adults will know what you mean when you use phrases like “passed away,” your child may not. It can be hard to tell your child that someone they loved died, but using concrete terms to explain death is important to help them understand exactly what happened. This also helps prevent some misunderstandings and worries for young children.
Try to Maintain Routines
Yes, some routines in your child’s life may change permanently after their loved one’s death. And your family’s routines will probably be temporarily disrupted in the days or weeks immediately following your loved one’s passing. But once it’s possible to settle back into predictable routines, doing so can help your child adapt. Giving them a sense of structure will help them manage the stress of this loss and the resulting changes to your lives. This is a great area to put family and friends “to work” for you. They want to help but just don’t know how. Are there tasks they can assist with so you are freed up to take your children to and from school or to allow for one on one time?
Help Your Child Remember
Our broader culture has very few rituals for honoring the death of a loved one. If you are a part of a faith community, this may also inform the decisions you make to honor your beloved. Your child may want to attend and if older, may want to contribute by writing or creating something to be displayed or shared at the memorial or funeral. Many adults worry about young children attending funerals for fear of upsetting them. Yet, including young children in these rituals helps them understand and cope with the loss. Your little one may also want to draw or paint a picture of them having fun with their loved one. Allowing them to participate in the memorial process in some way can help them say goodbye. A memorial service is just the beginning of the remembering process. As a family, you can also work together to identify ways to honor the memory of your beloved during the days, weeks and years ahead. Including your children in this process can strengthen your relationship and offer comfort and healing.
Consider Therapy
Everyone copes differently with loss. And some children have a very hard time, especially those who have experienced prior losses. We also live in a culture that makes very little space for sadness, anger, upset and grief. It can make for a lonely journey. If you are becoming concerned about your child’s wellbeing, and you’re not sure how to help them further, working with an experienced child and family therapist can give you the additional support you and they need. My approach to Child Therapy can support you and them through this difficult time.
Reach out to me today to request a free 30 minute discovery session to explore if I could be a good fit for your family’s needs.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides relationship-focused therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually and in-person from her offices in Brighton and Ann Arbor, Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering parent coaching, counseling or child and family therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.